Tic-Tac: Ship of Fools
It was just another day for Bill working at the nostril Contestant plant. Bill went
around sniffing various items of theirs, when he heard his name being called over the
"Uh.... will Bill Bobbleberryjammertikerslim please report to Mr. Physco's off ice.
With the hearing of his wonderful name, Bill Bobbleberryjammertikerslim, he
bounded into Mr. Physco's office, only then was he truly proud when he tripped on an
untied shoelace and crashed through his glass door to his office.
"What the heck ez goin' on here?" asked Mr. Physco jumping up from his desk
talking in gangster talk of the 80's. With a cheap cigar shoved up his mouth and a grin
only a man with a history of crime arrests could have he started right up talking again.
"Ya see, that there door cost me my first job," continuing to talk in 80's gangster
only removing the cigar.
"Oh well, ya see Bill, I got me here a sweet deal on a boat called "Tic-Tac" down
on the Mississippi River, see? And I thought ya see that you would like to come, see?"
"Yes!" cried Bill, bringing his hand in full circle to shake hands only causing Mr.
Physco to be hit in the chin and knocked back against his back glass wall, knocked
"Mr. Physco! Thank you!" With that Bill crashed through the right glass wall and
walked home forgetting his car parked under a burning building on 49th street. As Bill
was walking home he truly realized he was one of the smartest, coolest and best
looking around. He rubbed his zit covered face and half blue, half brown hair when
he was thinking about best looking. He also had a small nose, black eyes and a large
mouth and ears. When he reached his front door on the building of 50th street, he
looked down a block to see a large chunk of flaming rock falling on a car he could
have sworn was his. But then he remembered, he parked his car on 49th street and if
he was on 50th his car couldn't be there. Bill was so impressed with his thinking skills
he almost fell over, but didn't, he fell over on the first step leading to his apartment.
"I tell ya Mama Moe, it's pretty hard to get a week of staying on the "Tic-Tac",
said an old man about the age of 70 carrying roughly 20 suitcases, named Old Jim.
Old Jim had wrinkles all over his face which almost covered his squinted blue-green
eyes. His brown-gray hair shifted around in the southwest wind.
"Dear, the old man has been sending us passes for the last 60 years," replied
Mama Moe. Mama Moe was also wrinkle faced but only with completely gray hair
and a strong face. The kind that could win a stare down contest with cold black eyes
and a very large nose.
"Oh, like you two, are like total geezers, oh, my gosh!", cried a chubby red
headed girl with green eyes and a small mouth, nose and ears, a true valley girl.
"Oh do shush up Cherry. We are boarding "Tic-Tac" and need to be respectful,
called Mama Moe to Cherry.
What awaited them was a rugged , beat up boat that that was barely floating. It
was completely white (I mean "completely" white) and in child brawl letters on the
back end of the boat was written "Tic Tac".
"Oh my gosh!" she screamed again only even more valley girlish.
"So are there any more coming to this here boat?" questioned Old Jim to Mama
Moe, putting down the luggage (not without dropping it on his toe first though).
"Dear, there are 200,000 men just working below this ship!" cried Mama Moe
reading from a brochure.
"Oh, like Mom? Like that is like a brochure for a Caribbean Cruise, which I like
wish I was on," spoke Cherry waving her hands about while saying it.
"Eh, would you three mateys happen to be the Poppins?" asked a voice from
the deck that sounded a lot like one of those pirates you see in the movies. He also
looked like one of those pirates. With one of those black skull hat and the blue jacket
with black pants. And to top it off this awarding outfit he had a stuffed bird that had the
mesh coming out of it glued to his shoulder. The bird had no beak because of a fight it
had with a deranged teddy bear in his living life. Also if you pulled it's tail it would sing
the theme to "Gilligan's Island".
"Yes, that would be us" called Old Jim wobbling up a ramp to the boat because
of his hurt toe and having to carry all the suitcases, followed by Mama Moe and Cherry
who was complaining that the cost of make-up was too high.
"Well, only one more group to go," said the voice which they now saw sitting in
a lawn chair on the deck checking them off a list.
"Like, let's just like ditch them because no one can keep me waiting, like, right
Mama Moe and Old ...
"Yes! We know!" yelled Mama Moe and Old Jim in unison.
"Oh dear!" cried Mama Moe. "We left your fiance Mr. Crow in the car tending the
sea monkeys, Cherry!"
No sooner had she said that then a man looking in his 40's strode up to the
deck yelling stuff about how the government was keeping things from us.
"I tell you! There is an Area 51 with aliens! And the government stole Bigfoot
and Loch Ness Monster so no one would find them!" Mr. Crow yelled. Mr. Crow was
wearing a black suit, black tie, black shoes, black pants, had black eyes, black hair
and had a large scowl over his face. He was a very happy man!
"He's very rich" whispered Mama Moe.
"And a complete loser," said Cherry to herself with her arms drawn across her
"Excuse me everyone, but I need to make a phone call mateys." said the
Captain walking down below, glad to be away from this burden of a family.
"What's his name?" asked Mama Moe of Old Jim.
"He would be Captain Ahab" replied Old Jim staring out at the vast river, and
the industry buildings pumping large amounts of smoke out into the air.
"Hello? Mr. Bobbleberryjammertikerslim? Yes, it seems you're late for your
trip?" spoke Captain Ahab on his walkie talkie/phone/paper shredder/portable raft.
"Ya, ya don't know. No really I don't know. I'm late? I'll be there as fast as a
speeding slug," Bill said as he hung up an 'actual' phone.
On the other end, Captain Ahab closed down the thing and hobbled back up
the "completely white" steps that were slanted to the right a tad. Back on the deck,
which was about the size of one cow length, he was startled to see Bill sitting on a
Bucket 'o' Bait talking to Mr. Crow about variation in all things.
"Matey? May I ask how's you's got here's so fast?" questioned Captain Ahab to
Bill turned his head to the simply annoying voice he heard.
"What?" exclaimed Bill.
"How in the world did you arrive at this present point of geological history at
such a velocious speed ratio which is usually classified as x + y to the second power?
And yes, the obvious reaction for any known fool on the boat Tic-Tac, which
was everyone was...
"Oh, enough with the great scientist talk mateys, I surely do love." called
Captain Ahab in a pirate voice to everyone. And at that point he twinkled his cold
green eyes and smiled. He again returned to his normal straight face and said "Just
how did you get here so fast?" cried Ahab.
"Ohhhh!" sighed Bill. He smiled quickly before saying.
"I live across that very street," and at that point Bill pointed to a street with a
burnt building and a tractor pulling a car that was smashed by a flaming rock away
from the scene.
And the one word everyone said was...
So was the day, a short while later the boat Tic-Tac which if even hit by a bug
would fall apart, embarked down the great and polluted Mississippi River.
As the morning sun rose the wave of stupidity also rose, covering the poor ship
Tic-Tac in ultimate foolishness. As usual, Mr. Crow awoke with the great urge to talk of
things no one really cares about.
"WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?" raved Mr. Crow
wandering the cow length area around the boat.
Everyone's back was sore of course because they had to sleep on the deck
because all the room below was filled with Mama Moe's many many suitcases. Then
magic happened, when bill awoke he was slapped across the face b fate when he
saw the grooviest chubby little redhead he ever saw. Luckily she was the only one he
Bill jumped up from the deck and fell over the back of the boat when he tripped
on a speck of dust. He clamped onto the deck with one finger. He yelled with all his
puny might which came out more like a puppy trying to whistle.
Cherry jumped up from her sleep. She heard the little puppy voice which
reminded her of jelly doughnuts that then had awaken her.
"I'll save you!" she yelled running over to grab Bill's hand.
He looked up at her and said three words, and those words were!
"I think your groovy!"
"Ewww! As if! Like, get away!"
With that she flung him out into the water. Bill flew and flew until hitting the
shore and seeing his car take form over his head. It was being carried by a tractor so
Bill yelled out to the tractor man...
"Hey! Than's my junk of a car!" yelled Bill to the tractor man.
"Oh, I see, well here, take it!" and with that the tractor man released the car
which landed on bill with a large....
With that Bill let out a thankful...
The Ka-thump-da-dump-de-do which hit Bill started a small wave on the shore
that pushed, of all evil things out into the path of the boat Tic-Tac, an ice cube!
"Coming! Large ice cube off port bow!" called Ahab, who turned out to be a
whale catcher trying to catch Moby Dick in the Mississippi. Then, an arrow flew into
him, killing him. An arrow coming from Mr. Physco from the window of his office
building who thought Captain Ahab was Bill. Mr. Physco then fell out the window after
laughing cruelly. Then the boat Tic-Tac hit the ice cube and everything fell apart.
Boards, nails, windows, cows, trash cans, lightsabers, space ships, spoons, forks,
Elvis, dog's, cat's, were all over the water. And by this time, everyone was awake
except Cherry who was nabbed by a mermaid and was unconscious because of the
ugliness the foul creature that knocked her out.
Everyone swam to shore barely making it and opened up a fast food restaurant
and lived like the fools that they were, who all shared the same experience, to be
passengers on the late stupid boat, Tic-Tac!
"Now, I am old and do not need to live," said old Cherry to her viewer.
"Wow, old land dweller Cherry!" cried a young boy mermaid.
"What a great story!"
"Thank you, everyone," replied Old Cherry to her audience of the one and only
boy. "Well... thank you then.., boy".
"Oh course land dweller Cherry!" cried the young boy mermaid again clapping
his hands, and then he swam over to Old Cherry and slapped her on the back and she
fell dead in the water. Alas, the last of the passengers of Tic-Tac, dead. And with one
large yell, the young boy mermaid yelled...
"Oh my god! I killed Cherry!"
And now, that concludes the story of Tic-Tac. They ship that sailed and sailed
but never really got anywhere and had some of the finest people on the reserve for the
ship like Saddam and even that nerd Bill Gates. Tis' a sad tale, but at all points in life,
junk ships have their days, and Tic-Tac had skipped the line a "little" too much. thank
you! this is your narrator Little boy Bobby signing off. Good Evening!